Archive
The Diary
Pre-Diary
I was born in England (ugh). First generation, Belgian mother (war refugee), Indian father (of African birth). Quick summery of pre-diary life. Hmmmm. Always prone to otherwordly stuff. I used to play with tape recorders and accidentally pick up evp (still have the tapes), obe's, dreams of the dead people who used to live in the property. Visions etc.
I have two siblings, a decade older than me and never really had so much to do with them. My sister has npd. Mother wasn't interested in me (left me with a broken arm for a week once). I developed joint disease when I was about five, misdiagnosed as lying and suffered ever since. Lived with an aunt after my parent's divorce, whom threw away all my possessions. Got deeply into the occult when I was a teenager and never looked back. Left UK when I was 21 and never looked back from that either.
I have avpd and other physical issues (crippled sometimes, pain, mostly hidden). I'm clever (even if I say so myself), well read. I like magick, Buddhism, spirituality, writing, travel, voluntary simplicity. I live alone and rarely talk to people. Generally happy (dharma willing) and grateful for my life.
Hopefully this will work out technically. In the 1970's when I was a kid, my mother gave me a tape recorder as a gift and I used to play with it, making recordings interviewing my cats and pretending I was a DJ etc. I was perhaps nine or ten. Years later, there was only one tape left but when I played it I realised that, even though I used to be upstairs alone while making the cassettes, there are spirit voices in the background talking to me.
I've copied them the best I can, but can't get Audacity to record at the right tempo, so the included mp3 plays too slow. If you know how to download it and speed it up...
EVP cassette side one
EVP cassette side two1986-1988 The First Ever Diary
I saw a book in the stationers one day, and started writing. I was still so bitter about my negative experience of schooling, I wrote mostly about happily doing and being nothing.
Little did I know that in twenty years time, after a spiritual oddysey and life traveling Asia, there would be things called 'cybercafes', and I'd know enough about computers to be uploading them onto a massive seris of interlinked documents called, 'The Internet'...
I didn't know that that book, of sadness and anger and the console of writing it down would become so important to me, what an amazing adventure of magic and spirituality it was all to become. If someone had have told me I'd still be keeping it in two decades time, I would have argued that I wouldn't be alive by then!
I notice my writing had a left slant back then... it's upright now. Is that good?
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| 86-88 Red Punk Diary Thumbs |
Spirituality was budding, but I was still into rebellion, thanks to the awful schooling experience and my sister hoping I'd fail at everything.
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| 88 Yellow Diary (2nd) thumbs |
First attempt at a novel, 1988, old dot matrix printer. Valient effort but never finished!
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| Severed Cords 1988 - Thumbs |
1989 Spiritual Excercises Diary
I had the strange idea at the time, that spirituality was a type of education that should be like schooling, with set reading and set exercises to be performed by rote.
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| !989 Occult Excercises Thumbs |
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| 1990ish I Ching and Urban Safely Thumbs |
1988 - 1990 - I Ching and Urban Safety
This started out as an address book, but I ended up writing the I Ching by hand in it, also notes about urban safety, which I thought a lot about at the time, basically never feeling safe when out.
Astrology Prediction Diary89-90
| Astrology Prediction Diary89-90 |
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| Astral Projection Diary 1990 |
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| Practical Kabbalisti |
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| Magic Invocation Diary 1990 |
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| Diary of Occult Ritual 1990 |
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| Occult Diary Sep 1990 |
Soul Mates 1990
Soulmate Notes and General Notebook 90ish |
| Soulmate Notes and General Notebook 90ish |
Second attempt at a novel, also never completed.
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| 1990 Soulmate Duplicate Thumbs |
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| Soulmate Notes and General Notebook 90ish |
Gold Diary 16th Febuary 1989 to 13th Febuary 1990
Practicing Magic, living at A's in England.
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| 160289Thum |
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| 1991 Will Developmen |
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| 1991 Will Developmen |
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| Visualisat |
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| Yoga Diary Feb 91 |
Self Improvment Diary April 91
| Self Improvment Diary April 91 |
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| Diazapam Diary Sep 91 |
3rd August 1992 - 19th September 1992
Started practicing the 7 month magic. Went to Cornwall with my sister.
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| 031092-Thu |
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| 92 Travel Plan Notebook |
Link and Surrey Training Thumbs
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| Link and Surrey Training Thumbs |
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| 7 Month Magic Thumbs |
Before Leaving Thumbs Archive
Negative photos taken late nineties, of life generally, scanned on a low quality scanner with the colours a bit washed out, but generally it's all there and included as interest.
The first item I ever obtained using magic. I made flourescent pages and cast my horoscope for every single day in 1992. I, evidently had far too much time on my hands in those days.
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| ColourfulF |
College Notes 1992
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| College Notes 92 Thumbs |
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| General Diary Sep 92 |
Diary Sep 92 Book of Shadows Bk2
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| Diary Sep 92 Book of Shadows Bk2 |
Diary 021092-1802930-LastBeforeLeaving-GhanditoCNY
NOTE: I think the camera went 'round the clock' with this one, thus it starts halfway through, yet all the pictures are there, so just look for the red covers further down.
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| Diary 021092-180 |
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| Copied 1st Leaving Pictures |
The Before Leaving Galleries
Photography, writing and spirituality were early lifelong passions. I used to use photography not only to record my life but also to feel I was getting somewhere and sharing a piece of myself somehow.
I had an idea that I would go off to Asia and settle and one day sort them all out into albums and project the slides and just enjoy them, when I have a settled life and a home in Asia.
As it turns out, I've grown up, and am sitting in Starbucks in Thailand living on the road, not putting them in albums, but using a computer and the Internet. Not what I expected, but I'm happy nethertheless.
These are mostly negative film copied on a cheap scanner and the quality isn't always great, most of the colours are off. I've done what I can with the better ones.
Various pictures of me
Artsy-type pictures I couldn't place anywhere else.
Northampton Baloon Festival
One of the few things the place I was born is 'famous' for, along with shoe making, Barclaycard HQ, Carlsberg UKHQ, Charles Bradshaw (well-known atheist/sectarian) and Francis Crick (co-founder of DNA).
The Burglary
We were burgled when I was alone sleeping in the house. I might have left the door open, though various people had a key.
Of course my 'brother' came home drunk and overreacted.
I had a steel box which contained the seven month magic, which had been forced open and thrown over the floor.
Chinese New Year
I think this was '93 shortly before I left. I always had an affinity with Hyde Park, and the seven month magick was in the Serpentine. The previous year I'd had a 'difficult time' at a Vietnamese event, and went down to the Chinese one in London.
Northampton College
I got an A in English. I did actually really enjoy the classes.
Holiday in Cornwall with my sister, and babysitting at her house.
She met this guy who took her biking over Europe, but beat her. She had the wanderspirit for a while. She was talking about doing an accountancy course so she could work sometimes and travel.
Photography class and a trip to Derby
I did this evening class. It was OK. I didn't learn anything, passed but they never sent my certificate. The project we did was themed 'water' and we went to Derbyshire for a day to get pictures. I turned up in a suit and felt stupid. Included are various pictures for the project.
Staying at Jason's place
The guy he lived with had some time in hospital, so I had to go and stay there. I had so little confidence I sat there trembling and panicking. Next day I went back to A's but had a 'rising', i.e. an intense bolt of energy threw me out of bed with the thought, ' I HAVE to go back', so I did... and continued to grow in confidence.
When I left he thanked me for coming and I realised that it hadn't been for my benefit, but because he couldn't be alone.
I used to see him daily, then one day he just disappeared without a word, and came back married, took my driving liscence, then I never saw him again.
Life
General pictures from my life at that time.
Link Training Centre
I did an nvq in business administration right before leaving. It was in Gile's street.
Magick and Occultism
I did a piece of 'master magick' over a seven month period, but also pictures of other magickal operations, study, practice and life.
Misc
Oxfam
Taking the voluntary job in an Oxfam shop was another important part of my recovery.
People
People I knew at the time.
Places
Places I went to, some unlabelled here.
Reading
I went to the Reading Festival with Matthew Topp. It was only once; I think he realised 'how I am' and never came back, but it was an important part of getting better. Also, it gave me a long break away from A and her house and a taste of how it would be to be alone.
Surrey
I did a short tefl course before leaving thinking that I could teach English.
Gallery of select images at higher resolution
Duplicated images in the other galleries have their description.
Main Box - Negatives and Scans
The pictures of my early life above were 'special bag', i.e., in a special bag when I left England.
But then as I travelled there were millions of things, pictures etc being sent back. When I got back myself I put them in a big box, with various photos, which I had to cull down to managable size.
So, the following pictures are the pictures that were in the main box. Most were negatives, some slides, none scanned so well as the scanner was cheap. Some are duplicated as the print was scanned as well as the neg. Scanned prints have a 'scan' prefix.
Early life/ChildhoodIncluding family pictures from before my birth. Some original pictures not included elsewhere are also here.
Before Leaving PicturesThese pictures are from the period roughly leading up to when I left the UK in 1993, detailing my interest in the occult and magick, my few friendships etc. A few are duplicated elsewhere, a few are captioned.
First Asian pictures in BangkokPhilippines
From my time in the Philippines, already generally captioned elsewhere. Included, as for the others, for the improvement in colour of the scanned pictures.
ChinaHong Kong
Hong Kong with index for all on the first picture
Roughly Penang and events leading up to Junko
Penang - bw010
Penang - bw011
Penang - cp011
Penang - cs020
Penang - cs027
Penang - cs029
Penang - cs030
Perth
Junko Imanishi
The picture of me holding a camera is mistakenly labeled, Junko actually took it in Kings Park, Perth.
The best pictures of the most significant two weeks in my life (so far).
A collection of Junko pictures
Sydney, then the last pictures of junko
Developed 23 May 1994
Penang graveyard
Sent from Penang
Penang - testing new camera
Perth
Australia Away from J
A selection of scans at higher resolution
The Subcontinent
The Subcontinent - ?Nizamuddin on a birthday?
The Subcontinent - 3560
The Subcontinent - 3594
The Subcontinent - 3595
The Subcontinent - 3596
The Subcontinent - 3794
The Subcontinent - 4534
The Subcontinent - 4608
The Subcontinent - 5046
The Subcontinent - CR2
The Subcontinent - Kushinagar
The Subcontinent - Nagarkot 30
Returning to Europe
A selection of quality images at full resolution
A few have token comments, generally their comments appear in the proceeding thumbnail galleries, they're are reproduced here so that clicking on the thumb links to the full resolution side.
Scan Overspill Gallery
These few last pictures were prints scanned with the main ones but appear seperately because there wasn't room on my SD cards while I was doing it!
Culled/Selected pictures from the saved prints, lower resolution with descriptions (click on thumbnails to read it)Scan Gallery Full size
As above, but links to full size resolution and doesn't have descriptions.
Slide Gallery
Due to the very poor (awful) colour rendition by the slide scanner of my numerous slides, I had a chance to photograph them in Bangkok. It's ironic as I saved transparency film for the best pictures, then had to copy them in such a substandard way before throwing them away forever; though this is the price of choosing a life on the road.
They're just photographed while I'm holding them and are included to give an idea of the correct colour of each, as the main entries in the galleries above are so skewed; it's better than nothing and one more thing I'm not copying.
Unknown GalleryPictures I couldn't place, but could perhaps be placed by looking at the main galleries.
Crappy 96 Diary, misc postcards that may already exist elsewhere, and Misc
Following an insignificant diary, there are more postcards, it's got so complicated I can't work out if these were included in the album below. Also, the notes taken at the original copying time say there are miscellaneous items not included in the main copying sessions.
Postcard Index for assorted films
This is a collection of the postcards I used to send back to index the negatives and slides. I would write a film code on each postcard, which would often, but not always, correspond to the developers code sticker on the film inself. I would also put an envelope code on incase the film was detatched from the envelope on arrival. As my family were receiving these cards.
For some reason, the first three pictures won't convert properly, I'll try and put them in the directory so they're they're at least, but I think they are only handwritten notes explaining the way the indexing worked anyway.
First Foreign Diary on J's Birthday
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| First Foreign Diary on J's Birthday |
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| Hong Kong Diary 1993 |
Special Bag Archive
All of the negatives and transparencies were put in a box the first time I returned to the UK. The second time I seperated some off into a 'special bag', i.e. an 'Alldays' shopping bag, as being 'special', or significant in some way. The third UK visit A. was ill and off to the nursing home and the house being cleared, so I took the box(s) bought the cheapest scanner in the world and here I sit sorting it all in Chiang Mai.
I'm not sure if I like admitting this next bit. When I first left, I loved photography (still do) and the plan was to get a job and apartment after a bit of travel, get a projector and albums and sort it all out, then sit around in the evening with a drink looking at the pictures and reminissing on the bit of travel I did.
Now thirteen years later, I sit here with no legal address, the travel never stopped. I have no album or projector and I'm having to sort it all out and scan it, using 'cybercafes' uploading to a 'website' with my own little computer which I carry around. I don't think I would have believed it if someone had told me at the time. There was no Internet and I didn't know how to use a computer (never been to a class to this day). The scanner is cheap and doesn't replicate the pictures so well, especially the slides, but if I had have been given the choice, apartment, projector and six month trip, or computer, rubbish scanner and life of the road... well, you know...
sb-4682Up celebrating the anniversary of meeting J at the Dalai Lama's temple around 1997; J. sent me a card saying that she 'looks at the stars' on my birthday (which we used to do together). Then back in Delhi.
sb-7280-slideArriving in Lake Toba Indonesia, 1994.
sb-bkrp0330Taking of Junko's ring in the Royal Palace, Bangkok.
sb-cs031envm32Chinese and Japanese gardens, badly translated slide film. Singapore.
sb-fc-cm-7920envbkk955Racing up to Chiang Mai for New Year 1995 after leaving J, then seeing the zoo and Wat Jet Yot.
sb-fc-y3581envfmt001Living in Penang, just before it all started, and doing the visa run to Thailand.
Hong KongHong Kong. Two main stays in the nineties. Once first getting there from Thailand, arriving with Ian and meeting a load of English people, then another time after getting back from Shanghai when I'd met Bruce and Erika and all the expats.
IndonesiaIndonesia. 1994.
Lake TobaLake Toba, Indonesia.
Leaving UKLeaving the UK. The 21st Febuary 1993 was my last day in the UK. I spent the day with Darren, but my overbearing 'brother' made him unwelcome, then M & B drove me to the airport.
Lumbini Pokhara and MagickI went to Lumbini in the mid-nineties, the birthplace of the Buddha, then went onto one of the prettiest places in the world, Lake Fewa in Pokhara, Nepal. This sequence also documents the magick I performed there.
NemiaNemia in Tacloban. It's hard to believe now, and we didn't really like each other, but I was technically engaged to this person.
NepalPuri
Puri, India, Mid to late nineties. All I recall is that I'd just finished my first non-fiction book The Curse and Miracle of Expectation.
QualityA selection of quality/signifiant images, properly documented elsewhere.
sb-sf02New Year 1995 in Chaing Mai Holiday Guest House.
Shanghai 1993. I met more people there than at any time in my life, though I don't recall being especially happy... though I liked it; I like now more.slidec5253nvm30
Singapore with Joanne, another badly translated slide film.
Someone's stolen my shoesActually Lake Toba Indonesia, the title is after something (a fact) I wrote on the index postcard I sent back sometime later.
SuntareeSuntaree, the person I met just after leaving the UK. She just wanted somewhere cheap to stay, and I really needed someone to help me get used to Asia, so it was kind of fun for a time.
UncertainCan't place these specific images, though a lot of them are Singapore I think.
Unassociated Postcards |
| Hong Kong and Shanghai Copies |
Not actually from Australia, but postcards I typed up which index and describe the pictures I took in Australia.
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| Australia Notebook 1994 |
A cassette I made in Australia, kind of an audio diary. It's recorded too slow through Audacity and the included mp3's will need to be speeded up when playing to be understood.
Australia tape side oneAustralia tape side two
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| Magical Practice Diary 1994 |
Diary July 1994 - GT Guesthouse
| Diary July 1994 - GT Guesthouse |
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| 95 Letters to Me and Papers |
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| Diary 121295 |
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| Apasia Synopsis |
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| 95 My Magical System Books |
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| 95 Postcards |
Diary 12th December 1995
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| Diary 121295 |
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| 1st Draft of 1st Novel |
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| Sweet Letters |
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| Rejection Letters Post93 |
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| Letters From Me 96 |
Diary 15th March 1996 - Delhi-Kathmandu
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| 150396 Diary Delhi-Katm |
Ideas Book Jan - Apr 1996
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| Idea Books Jan-Apr 96 |
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| Diar |
Ideas Book 16th September 1996
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| Idea Book 160996 |
1996 Non Fiction Travel Proposal
Drafted in Nepal
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| 96 Travel Synopsis |
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| 90s mind maps |
Sketches
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| 96 Travel Synopsis |
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| Diary July 96 SEandA Asia |
Ambrosia Notes 1997 and general scrapbook
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| Ambrosia Notes 1997 and general scrapbook |
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| Diary Feb 98 Goa |
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| Happiness Hike Draft |
Aug 98 General Learing Notebook
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| Aug 98 General Learing Notebook |
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| Misc Writing Late Nineties |
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| Astro and Homeo Diary 98 |
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| Diary July 98 |
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| Sketches late 90's |
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| Diary Aug 99 Nepal |
1998 Magical Attainment Recording Book
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| 98 Magical Attainment Book |
1998 Computer Learning Notes
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| 98 Computer Learning Notes |
16th June 1999 Homeopathy Diary
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| 16 June 99 Homeopathy Diary |
Annecdotes
AnnecdotesI travel from place to place and search much the way I watch the turnings of my mind and seek. I'm rarely still, within or without. Am I going to find it? A panacea for the world's happiness. I don't know, perhaps it's not in my hands. Kai sara sara - this is a travelogue of the pursuit.
So in other words, this is what I've been doing. It begins with me in Kathmandu around October 1999, and continues to the present day. Earlier entries were part of my main site and are available here.
Much of the text is illustrated by thumbnails, which you're welcome to use for non-commercial use. They're available here. Click on any picture to see it full size.
I"m always so busy, but I'll do my best to keep this current, and hey, if I find it you'll be reading about me everywhere!
1 - Leaving Kathmandu
Have I wasted five months of my life? As my problems overwhelm me I fall asleep praying - and see my prayers answered the very next day.
2 - Evidence of my NeuroticismAt Kathmandu Airport, some may speculate that my behaviour indicates mental illness.
3 - Evidence of my VanityI arrive safely in Varinessi, North India, where using a guest-book to advertise my website backfires.
4 - DisasterThe day I left for New Delhi started well, after a fascinating encounter with a toy-seller. Yet Lady Luck deserts me as I'm robbed on the train, and lose almost all of my possessions
5 - The Angel - Around October 1999?
In Delhi, I conclude I'm better off with nothing, now I would be free. Perhaps I was relieved of my
burdens by an angel?
As a painful anniversary approaches, I set off for Islamabad.
In Amritsar, I spend the anniversary in the holiest temple of the Sikh religion, then am inspired by the revelation of how each person's 'hotspots' torture the human race - and how we might cure ourselves. I also manage to keep my temper with an over-zelous bank official.
7 - Amritsar to IslamabadThe boder of Pakistan/India is anarchy. Islamic women have a punch-up. My bed collapses in Lahore - and I make it to the capital.
8 - Islamabad, and an Encounter with Danger
A friendly taxi driver explains why the recent coup is good, and that democracy is 'just a word'.
I realise my vegetarianism is going to be a problem.
The rude and heavy security at the Indian embassy is annoying.
And the supposed puritanism od the people around me falls flat.
Lastly, I could have been killed when a terorist rocket attack occours
just 100 meters away.
A Sikh festival leaves me confused and offended.
The Bihar tourist board almost leaves me sleeping on the streets.
I meet an interesting man on the way to Bodhgaya, the place where
the Buddha obtained enlightenment and wghere I'd decided to spend New Year.
I miss my stop and spend hours trapped in a surreal purgatory, my
mind torturing me with regrets.
Walking roung the mahabodi Temple, the holiest spot to the Buddhists, Tibetans pray for world peace. Stars shoot into the sky. My watch beeps - it's midnight.
11 - The start of the MilleniumNew Years Day. Western Momks that just don't get it. Weird Tibetans on the train to Delhi are a little too familiar. A terrifying teddy in Delhi ... and in Goa a miricle.
12 - In Goa AgainMy family discover e-mail. Stray dogs don't link me. Mysterious men. A pathetic attempt to revive my "career". And the day I leave for Delhi, a broken heart, tears and the monsoon arrives.
13 - Delhi Depression - May 2000In Delhi, my brain chemistry imbalances and I lie in a darkened room for too many days. I get it together for my 29th birthday, and decide to go to Bangladesh. At the embassy I manage to avoid an eccentric Ditch man. A dead human feutus lies discarded in the gutter. I make it to Calcutta.
14 - Bangladesh, and the Pace of Life Speeds UpThe first leg of the journey to Dhaka, Bangladesh. I get lost at the station and who helps me but... the Dutch eccentric I had two weeks ago avoided at the embassy in Delhi. We travel on together, and going over the border I start to realise he's a little more complicated than I had anticipated. We "connect" in an expensive Thai restaurant. He leaves for a monastery. My Indian visa is refused and I have to leave for Chittagong to apply there. A Canadaian reminds me how crippled I am. I end up accidentally living in a brothel. I try all the best restaurants in town. Then a bus, rickshaw, bus, another bus, rickshaw, an auto and a train get me back to India. I witness another miricle concerning a bat (the kind that flys) and a wailing lunatic welcomes me home - to my India.
15 - Calcutta - Far Too Much Time WastedHassled by professional beggars, Robin gets in touch, I write 10000 words, only half good, and can't sell any of it. And, just spend far too much time there without achieving very much at all.
16 - Calcutta to Delhi, and starting a new project (at last) -- July /Aug 2000A lynching in Varinessi; I'm cursed in Goddess of destruction ritual by an irate shopkeeper; the desolute death bed of the Buddha; and I make it to New Delhi.
17 - Delhi - Shimla - Delhi - Nepal - Delhi --- Going Round in CirclesAbused by the police going north, finish the New project, send it from delhi and no one wants to buy it. Up to Nepal and back. One huge circle.
The diaries changed around this time, as did life. I'd always been journaling, and when I started on the web it was far more in addition to written journals, and tended to be undated travel pieces.
But that kind of stopped at became dated diaries as I'd always kept, and I stopped keeping the dreams seperately from them. Until I used the Internet dreams were always part of the diaries ( and an important part of my life) and now they went back into the diaries.
New Diary - Log One 29 July 2001 - 10 Febuary 2001
I started off in Delhi dealing with a lost credit card. I went up to Udaipur but ended up in India over new year 2002. I heard from Junko on Christmas day. I didn't know at the time but it was to be the last post. The next day, my brother phoned and basically attacked me over the phone, leading to a breakdown. In total lonliness and desperation I nearly got together with an Australian woman, but got away.
Log Two - 17 March 2002 - 21st April 2002I was in Delhi and went up to Kathmandu, where stress and general build up mean I convince myself I'm dying from a cancer, which turns out to be a cyst, but I'm given Prozac for anxiety.
I went up to Dharamsala and traveled for a bit with some Dutch guy I'd met, stayed in a haunted room. Not really sure when I got to Cochin, but recall the awful night on New Year I told my family I'd go back. It was New Year and a year since I'd broken down.
Log Three - 6 May 2003 - 4 August - Egypt - Syria - Jordan - Turkey - Romania - HungryThought I'd make the most of my overland trip if I have to go back. I traveled, writing my LifeMagic project as I went. Starting through Egypt, I went through Syria, Jordan, Turkey and Romania.
Log Four - 29 December 2003 - 8 November - Hungry - Ukraine - Poland - Germany - FranceI traveled across the five countries, staying in each except Germany. I finished the writing while in Hungry and sent my proposal to the only publisher who ever asked to see the whole of my manuscript. I ended up as far as Paris.
Just in case you're really, really, really interested in my inner as well as outer life, I've added a new page called Confessions. It was written to a friend during a time of severe depression and and gives the dirt on the events in my past that led to total insanity (or if you want to be quaint, we could say slight eccentricity but I'd say that was just kidding ourselves personally).
I've decided, after more than ten continuous years, to go to England. I plan to go overland straight from India, but can't get the Visas, and end up flying to Egypt and doing it from there.
I travelled by land up to Antalya in Turkey.
White Elephant's Limbo 14 Nov 2003 - 10 October 2004 - LondonIt was very hard going back after so long. First, I remembered why I left in the first place. Then I realised that my sister's gone mad. I can only afford to stay in transient hostels in London. My Aunt, true to form, hasn't looked after the things I sent back.
It is nice to see my mother again though.
I have to go through all the memrobilia concerning Junko and that causes a lot of pain, because my Aunt has destroyed or lost a lot of it, because I stopped hearing from Junko and some of this stuff I'd never seen at all.
A wanted more space in the house, so I got a camera and started copying all of the diaries, then destroying them. I ended up with just one precious suitcase.
I stopped writing to J, except for her birthday. I went to France to send the card from there.
I was thinking of trying for Indian nationality, which led me to meet my father for the first time in 30 years. We got on OK, but aren't especially close I guess.
I hate England, and manage to do what I really came to do, and that is archive most of my stuff and get away.
New StartI finally get away, have a hard time in Romania, meet friends before that in Vienna, where I open the last of the post from Japan.
Night PageA retrospective of dreams, without interpretations.
Pink PageA photo page, starting from saying goodbye to family members in UK, and then traveling overland as far as Turkey.
Christmas Special 17th December 2004 - 24th January 2005Travelled at far as Turkey, I meet this professor from the US and have a decent time, apart from being falsely accused of theft. Then I travel as far as Goa in India.
I get Junko's mobile number.
After more than a year of waiting, I phone Frank DeMarco of Hampton Roads publisher, whom still has the full manuscript, and his secretary tells me that he doesn't want it.
DisasterTwo disasters in one. First, a diary page was accidentally deleted. The other was an OBE/ clairvoyance premonition, of my mother's death, including the date.
I get as far as Colva, south India.
Plant Page - Monday 21st March 2005 - 13th June 2005 - Colva to DelhiI have a very sociable time in Cochin Island and end up with a group of people, which is both good and bad. I go out on a day trip with a Jewish woman but end up upsetting her but I'm not sure how. I go out and play poker with UK uni students, then miss them. I get to know a UK Jewish woman, but don't like her friend. It's a warm, bright heatwave.
I start to think that there might be a herbal cure for my excessive drinking.
I come up with a plan to run a hostel in Europe and M is really enthusiastic about it, so I go up to Delhi and make arrangements to go back to the UK with the idea of settling on the European continent.
Cochin Island ExperiencePhotos of the very sociable time I had in Cochin Island.
The Lucky Green Elephant - 17 June 2005 - 24 September 2005 - Prague to London OverlandWorking on the hostel plan while going across Europe, ending up back in London.
The 'What Happened to My Plans?' PicturesLeaving India and getting as far as one picture in Amsterdam, where my poor, overworked camera gives up.
Disaster 2I am in London with my plan, but somehow (and I still don't know how this happened) end up on welfare and homeless.
I spend Christmas with the Jewish woman I met in Cochin, but it's horrible; I just can't get on with people.
Christmas day in Bath.
New year in Oxford.
I registered my address as a homeless person in Hammersmith, West London, and applied for a training course in the travel business.
Starting 2006 - A RetrospecitveI meet Nikki and her friends, fall out and never see them again (Thank God).
Get thrown off the travel course.
True to the prophesy, Mother is diagnosed with cancer and gets very ill, ending up in hospital.
Untitled 18 Febuary 2006 - 10th April 2006 - LondonWhile I am moving from hostel to hostel in London, M is getting worse.
Moodomatic 16 April 2006 - 3 May 2006Still homeless around Hammersmith, Mother dies on 3rd May.
The Black Page - May 2006 - London and PortugalI see Mother in an out of Body experience, and we can say hello and goodbye properly.
Clockwork Orange 15 May 2006 - 20 August 2006 - London PortugalI go to Portugal while M is buried.
Back in London it's hot. I watch the world cup. Start self-publishing my book. I get homeless advice which turns out to be useful. I meet the solicitor in charge of M's will. I sell my first book. Go to Brighton and get mugged, losing my phone. I get an MP3 player for ten pounds, and spend nearly all my time listening to Gill Fronsdal.
Pictorial Interlude - December 2006 - LondonAround London, I try and market the book.
I went up to Hexham in North England, where I joined a Zen Buddhist temple for a while.
I am illegally searched in the street by a policeman, and bring an official complaint against the London Met, which is upheld.
I volunteer to work at a homeless shelter over Christmas.
Stretching Wings - 1 January 2007 - 7 Febuary 2007 - Salisbury - LondonDealing with the aftermath of Mother's death, and getting ready to leave.
New Chinese Diary - 18 Febuary 2007 - 28th April 2007 2007 - England - Hong Kong - ChinaChinese New Year of the Pig, starts with a Strawberry dream of J, which becomes quite apt. I buy a ticket to Hong Kong on her birthday and leave a month later.
I fly to Hong kong, over to Guangzhou on mainland China where I start studying for two A Levels, sociology and religious studies, to sit exams 2008 and see if I can start a degree, which has been a very, very long goal.
Studying, traveling and living, I go over to Guilin and then settle for a long period in Yangshou, central China.
Indochina 200714 July 2007 Nha Trang, Vietnam - 23 September 2007 Sian Ream Cambodia (with long Vietnam recap)
I come from Nanning in China to Hanoi, then a very hard trip down the Vietnamese coast.
I travelled down as far as Nha Trang and settle down and have a good time. Reflective and meditative, life is good and I get a lot of writing done. The problems of how expensive my university exams would cost starts to become an irrelevance. As I'm researching a book about adult education, I find out that I wouldn't actually need the qualifications to start study at the Open University and start looking into it.
I had a long conversation one night with my Aunt. As I am about to put the phone down, for the first time in twelve years she mentions 'my little Chinese friend [sic]'. While she was going through shredding all the papers she could find, she found a photo of her which she lost over a decade ago and I'd spent months looking for.
It was only an after-thought to her, but it triggered some kind of mental breakdown in me, and I end up in bed taking diazapam just to get me through the nights.
Thailand to the End of 200725 November 2007 Ending January 3rd 2008
My Thai visa had been refused in Cambodia, so to be safe I'd flown to Laos. I applied for the Open University online and sent A the application for her to forward. When I phone her about it she has some kind of stroke while on the phone.
I went by land to Nong Khai in north Thailand. I start texting my niece Carly and find that A's in and out of hospital.
I went onto Chiang Mai, the place I came straight to after leaving J and haven't been there twelve years. I arrive on the day of the Lantern Festival and have mixed emotions.
Various phone calls to A lead me to find out that she was confused to the point of not making sense.
I have Christmas in Chiang Mai, then am in a little hut in Chiang Saen (the last place at the Chinese border) to welcome 2008 looking at the Stars and then listening to a Buddhist talk by Gill Fronsdal. I was in Chiang Saen having arranged a boat to China.
Includes an end of year wrap-up.
2007 Dreams RetrospectiveI tried recording them seperately from the main diaries for a period and since decided they're better integrated into the main text.
2008 Start3 January 2008 to 7 February 2008 Chiang Mai, Chiang Rai, Chean saen, Thailand, Jinghong, China
I spend a lot of time worrying about England and recalling how much I dislike it. I also worry about the boat trip to China and if I will like it. I email the Buddhist Abbey in England to see about the chanced of me attending the precept retreat (Jukai).
I check out of the hotel in Chiang Mai after staying there for two months, and (of course) don't actually know anyone to say goodbye to. Looking back over my time, I'd got a lot of work done, especially on the website, and also had come across the eee pc on Christmas day and was leaning towards getting one.
I go up to Chiang Saen, the northern-most point in Thailand. I'm really organised about the trip. I have New Year in a little wooden hut, listening to Gill Fronsdal and looking at the stars.
The owner Ju-Li turns out to be an idoit, but I manage to get on the boat anyway, and it turns out to be a great trip. But we get trapped at the border and I'm forced to spend a night in the middle of nowhere. There's a Chinese passenger who knows Sara where I'll be staying. He phones her for me and takes me under his wing.
Jinghong is great. I move from a good hotel to a better one, and enjoy firecrackers and fireworks and much noise to see in Chinese New Year of the Rat.
Returning to Hong Kong 2008 8 Feb 2008 - Start of MarchI leave Jinghong, then go up to Dali for a cold but good time. There's no word from A. I arrange to enter the UK monastery and continue to Kunming. From Kunming I trained to Guilin, met a friendly French guy and a Chinese student, other foreigners and we all sat about chatting. I hang out with for a day in Guilin, then go onto Yangshou to stay with Minority Yao but his room gives me allergies, so I go to Flowers for a sentimental J's birthday.
After no contact with A, I phone B and hear that she's in the hospital following a stroke.
I have a lovely 'Indian Summer' in Guangzhou, making plans and trying to decide what my new name will be.
The pictures here carry onto Hong Kong, as the following diary is a retrospective.
Euro Jaunt to see A 14 March 2008 - 10 May 2008Starts on the Oasis plane back to England, a retrospective:
Shamiam recap.
I bought my first ever little computer (finally) and am paranoid there's something wrong with it and spend a day panicing.
I finally decide on a new name and get a change of name deed sorted out in a Wanchai cybercafe.
I got the news that A will never be able to go home again.
Fly to England.
A few nights in Finchley brings back all the bad memories.
I legally change my name, throw away all my love letters, and go up to the monastery and smoke my last smoke, then take the ten Zen precepts formally. Linda and George from my first visit were there.
I bump into Darren, whom I've known since school, and after years of talking about it, we finally get to have a drink together.
I made it up to Open University and formally enrolled. Another 'finally'. Over fifteen years since I started trying for a degree and I finally got on a course.
A moves permanently into a residential care home and clears her house for letting. I'm delayed waiting for my passport. Oasis went backrupt, but I got a BA flight out, and had to leave with everything I own in the world, plus a scanner to archive it all. G is forever barred from seeing A.
I reflect on a sucessful trip in that I did everything I planned to.
I return to Hong Kong, start study and celebrate my birthday.
Back to Chaing Mai, to archive my past and start university.I went back to Thailand, literally carrying everything I own in the world, right down to my birth certificate, and start university (finally).
I'd say I kind of took a break here... but that would imply that I was idle. For the next six months, I stayed in Chiang Mai, finishing the first part of my degree course, and archiving the negatives and pictures.
I stayed for the two months that my visa from UK allowed, then extended by another month, then did three visa runs for three more months. I left about five kilos of my archived possessions in the bin, and traveled south, after enrolling on the second part of my course and a new one in computing for 2009.
Down to Bangkok, I archived the last of my transparencies, then went east to Sihanoukville in Cambodia, on to Pnohm Penn in Cambodia and on again to Saigon, where I submitted my first essay of the second course and received my lowest mark yet, though still a 'clear pass'.
I traveled north to Nha Trang where a few people remembered me, and had Christmas there, then onto Hoi An. The plan had been to have New Year there but I couldn't settle and so actually came to Hue further north, after a hellish sleeping bus, to Hue, where I saw in 2009
Dentist 2008An account after my visit in 2008 to the dentist in Thailand, the first time I had been in twelve years.
The pdf link below is the 'Dharma Willing Plan' I had been living by, i.e. a mixture of short and long term objectives, together with contacts, more things I need to find out, kind of an overall plan for my life. As I had made so many steps forward, I had to revise it, so I include the one here for archiving purposes.
Dharma Willing Plan 07/08Achivements 2008
2009 Objectives (Dharma Willing)
Starting 2009
I started 2009 trapped in Hue, rainy central Vietnam, heading to Japan... and it was downhill from there. I couldn't extend my visa there so had a nightmarish ride to Hanoi, couldn't extend it there either, couldn't get a Chinese visa, and ended up with on my last day of the visa, submitting my university essay on the deadline, an hour before I left the airport for the only destination open to me: Vientiane Laos.
The exchange rate was down 30% so I couldn't afford to stay there, so I moved on to Nong Khai.
Chinese New Year of the OxHaving left Laos, I was over the border in Nong Khai with a new visa. I get a bit trapped as it's difficult to get information as to how to get on to Chiang Mai, I make it as far as Khon Kaen, but again onward travel is equally confusing, though I do eventually make it to Phitsanulok.
At last, back in Chiang Mai. I have a few days in the night market as it's close to the station, then go over to Chuang Puak (North Gate) and am waiting for a monthly rent but am let down. I go to another place but again can only get the daily rate.
A has a confusing turn. I have a bad Songkran. I found an old school friend online but his appearance is fleeting. A song from my childhood depresses me. I went to Burma for a new visa.
I finish my first university course 'An Introduction to Social Science', get a little sentimental and await the result. I went to Lampang for my birthdday, and ate out (a rare event for me nowadays (black Chinese Sauteed Mushrooms (very nice indeed))).
Trapped' in Thailand 2009 6 June - 20 AugustI travel south from Laos and have a stressful exam. A music man tries to be friendly. Back to Chiang Mai, I miss the most total eclipse in my lifetime, enroll on new courses (written up next) and do a visa run.
Overwhelmed in Thailand 2009